He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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