And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
