Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
