I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
