Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
