Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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