You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We were destined to go to rehab together
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
