i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
