im drinking this country out of the recession.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
