I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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