Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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