if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
