I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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