there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
