So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
