I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
