tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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