I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
