No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
