He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
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