Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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