Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
