Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
