I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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