wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
