god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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