Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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