I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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