so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
