my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
