Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
