non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
