I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
