I CAN MOONWALK!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
