Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
