I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
