You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
