So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
