you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
