I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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