I skipped work to stalk him.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
