One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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