I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My vagina just recognized that song.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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