Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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