Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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