He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
