Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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