totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
