I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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