I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
