I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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