Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
