i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
