what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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