the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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