I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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