I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
