im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
