she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
