You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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