That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
