New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
