i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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