we have officially lost it.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
