You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
