well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
