You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
