My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize